Why Deese Will Be The End Of Me

One snack to rule them all, one snack to find them.
One snack to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Along with her meals, Piper gets a little snack time during the day. I guess I should be judging snacks based on their nutritional value; but since I do all the dishes, instead I usually base each snack on how much clean-up it will take.  Some meals and snacks are easier to clean after than others. There is one snack, however, that is the bane of my existence. Piper calls them “Deese.” I call them Devil-Pieces. Yes, it’s true. A snack can be truly malevolent.

The strategy was to confuse me by using different names. At first, for some reason they would have Piper call them “Piece,” but now she simply calls them “Deese.” I can see through their ruse. “Graduates- lil’ crunchies” is their real name—but don’t say that three times fast in a mirror or the Candyman will come and get you. Originally made by the Dark Lord Sauron during the Second Age, this snack was made in order to gain dominion over the free peoples of Middle-earth. There are only two things that can destroy Deese: the stomach of a three-year-old, or the fires of Mount Doom. So unless you plan on making the ultimate trek to Mordor, have a three-year-old on hand; or don’t buy Deese in the first place.

“… so y’all need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause they’re snackin’ with everybody out here.”

In any case, Deese mean clean-up city. Get a broom, get a mop, and about a million wet wipes; then close your eyes and hope for the best. This is because Deese are covered with this particular little powder that is impossible to deal with. Ostensibly, the powder represents whatever flavor that package was supposed to be. In reality, the powder is there to make you clean, to control you, to corrupt you … I can only imagine how they taste. Of course, after snack time Piper makes me pick her up. Then she gives me a big hug and shoves her Deese covered face next to mine. The smell is overpowering. It’s like eating a whole bag of Doritos at once, with your hands and face being covered in that orange powdery-stuff.

Deese are just like that, but for kids.

Who thought this was a good idea? Who were the braintrust that came up with that?

Every snack we have goes by different names. Cheez-Its are called “Dit Dit Dits.”  There are these little gummy-like fruit treats that for some reason Piper calls “Carrots.” Toast is simply called “Tote.” Whatever you call it, every snack requires different levels of cleaning. I don’t even mind that I have to sweep the kitchen floor three or four times a day. That’s all part of the job. But Deese … this is not what I signed on for. It’s like we have to buy even more wet wipes just because of the Deese. Maybe the Graduates and the wet wipes people are in cahoots. Corporate synergy.

You can just imagine the meeting of the minds:

Wet Wipes Guy: You know, we can sell more wipes if you just make the “lil’ crunchies” a little messier.

Crunchies Exec: I don’t really know if that’s something we should do. Is that ethical?

Wet Wipes Guy: C’mon. Everybody’s doing it. No biggee. Kids love this stuff anyway. Just make them a little worse, and we can both benefit. Besides, it’s what Big Boss wants. You want your bonus this year, right?

Crunchies Exec: Well yeah, but—

Wet Wipes Guy: No more buts, except kids’ butts in seats, eating the crunchies you’re going to add more powder to. We’re on the same page, aren’t we?

What are your least favorite snacks for your kids, and why? And what are some healthier and better snack alternatives?