Top 10 Funny—But Sometimes Disturbing—Search Engine Terms, Part I

This was supposed to be “Meta Week” here at Five Things At Once. I was going to make a big announcement about this Tuesday morning, that this would be a week of posts that would break through the fourth wall and which talk mostly about blogging and writing; but you know what they say about the best laid plans. Tuesday I was mired in a Post Office fiasco that lasted all day. Don’t ask. And on Wednesday, the news about the PlayStation Network intrusion seemed too important to ignore.

In an effort to make the best of what’s left of Meta Week, last night I decided to go through some site stats. I ended up uncovering a strange trend. Since I tend to post often, I get a good number of hits that come through search engines. Most of these searches are pretty innocuous. I get hits from searches like “working on 5 things at once,” and “ups and downs of being a stay at home parent.” My wife will be pleased to know people are searching for “paintings of guitars.” I’ve been telling her to get her Etsy store up and running for some time now. Apparently misery loves company, since people are searching for “the litany of daily dramas.” The thing is, among these harmless ones are some hilarious, but at times disturbing, search engine entries.

Here are the Top 10 Funny-But-Sometimes-Disturbing Search Engine Terms for Five Things At Once (through April 2011):

10. is jon hamm going bald

Don’t worry ladies (and maybe some men), I don’t think Don Draper is losing his hair. I wrote about the Mad Men star back in the opening days of the blog, in a post called “Never Too Old – Jon Hamm As Superman.” Artist Phil Noto did a rendering of what it would look like if Jon Hamm was cast in the role of the upcoming superhero movie. His work is awesome, you really should check out his blog.

9. stay at home parent downfall

I told you some of these searches were disturbing. I don’t know why someone would type this into a search engine. Are they hoping for a parent downfall? Maybe it’s a writer looking for epic parenting fails? I keep envisioning some creep in a basement desperately wanting parents to have a breakdown for some reason. Unable to determine which post this is tied to, I tried searching for this myself and “Distracted By Unicorns” came up in Google. I have no reason why. Creepy.

8. how to get air into a windowless room

This is a strange one, but I suppose it could be a concern if you happen to have a windowless room. This of course refers to my post “The Wonder Of A Windowless Room.” We can’t get air into the mancave, other than by just keeping the door open. It does have its own separate air conditioning unit, though, which came with the house. I know, my life is rough. It almost makes up for the screams and tantrums I have to deal with for 15 hours straight every day. Other similar search terms were equally perplexing: “paint windowless room,” and “wonder room on five.” I kind of like that last one. That would make a good name for the mancave—my office will from now on be called the “Wonder Room on Five.” But perhaps the strangest one of these was: “if only the windowless room has a furnace is this good.” As they say here in Texas, Keep Austin Weird.

7. destroy the economy to buy things on the cheep

No, it’s not a typo, that’s how the search was entered. Your guess is as good as mine with this one. I suppose someone down on their luck thought if they could just kill the whole economy for everyone they would get some good deals? Hope for another great depression so everyone gets screwed? The great equalizer. Awesome, nice attitude. This must be referring to my Fight Club inspired rant “Empty Nest And Beyond: Why The New Economy Will Destroy Us All.”

6. "dudley and bob" is terrible

I’m sorry if I take a little guilty pleasure in this one. This refers to the post about my experience with the local morning radio show on KLBJ FM,  “I Hate You, Dudley And Bob.” It seems others are also displeased with these guys’ antics. But this other search was a little more telling: “dudley and bob on air fight.” The fact that someone even searched for that completely proves the point in my song. But this last one was creepy, “bob fonseca wife.” As much as I complained about those guys, I never talked about anyone’s family. And it creeps me out that someone would even be searching for that online. Sorry, Bob, you don’t deserve that.

OK, I lied. We only got to #6 today. Tune in tomorrow for the Top 5. And trust me, as things get funnier, things get weirder. So until then, “Keep It Weird.”